


Tears in Heaven and on Earth

by vlaurie17



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Apocalypse, Dean Says Yes, Dean-Centric, Flashbacks, Gen, Heaven, Hurt No Comfort, Post-Season/Series 04, Season/Series 05, Songfic, Young Winchesters (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 12:36:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13271583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vlaurie17/pseuds/vlaurie17
Summary: Dean says Yes





	Tears in Heaven and on Earth

**Author's Note:**

> Song referenced = "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton  
> Disclaimer: Don't own SPN, enjoy

Dean stared out at the open road in front of him, the burning crimson haze of dawn rising from the horizon like heat off of pavement. Morning was coming. Maybe the last one he’d ever see. He let his foot push harder on the gas, speeding down the empty country road. A small, terrified exhale escaped his otherwise serene facade, and his green eyes grew bright with emotions he hadn’t let himself feel in weeks.

Ever since Sam had broken the last seal, he’d been operating on autopilot. The part of him that would always protect Sam had forced him to shut down his feelings. If he’d let himself truly indulge the betrayal and fury that simmered deep in his heart, he might’ve ended up killing Sam. And that wasn’t  _ his _ job to do.

He quickly backtracked that train of thought, focusing on the current moment, the long stretch of pavement, his erratic heartbeat, and the sunrise. It was beautiful, and he tried to memorize the way the colors of the sky bled into each other.

All he could hear was the rattle of legos that had been stuck in the vents for 20 years, a pitiful testament to a happier time in their history, and the sound of Eric Clapton softly crooning from the radio.

As Dean listened to the lyrics, the brightening sky reminded him of childhood mornings waking up in the front seat of the impala to the glare of the sun having driven through the night. 

_ One morning he’d woken up to the sight of a similar sunrise and the sound of classic rock barely audible from the radio, acting as a sort of lullaby.  _

_ His younger self had looked over at their dad to see him in one of his rare moments, with the hardness gone from his eyes, his face smoothed over, and radiating calm. It reminded Dean of when Mary was alive, and he felt lucky to see his old father peeking through the cracks. His father caught his eye and gave him an even rarer smile, “Beautiful, isn’t it?” Dean nodded, turning around to see if Sammy was also enjoying the sight, only to find his long legs stretched across the backseat and his shaggy hair in his face as he slept peacefully. Dean felt a burst of affection for his little dork of a brother and his face spread into a grin as he leaned back on the seat, letting his eyes drift closed lazily.  _

_ In that moment, driving down the road with his family beside him, he felt pure joy. Like the world was full of infinite possibilities. The road ahead of them was bright, and Dean Winchester was content.  _ This is heaven _ , he’d thought.  _

Now the rising sun was more blinding and terrifying than anything, and Dean was all alone with nothing but the sound of his speakers singing,

_ “Would you know my name _

_ If I saw you in heaven? _

_ Would it be the same _

_ If I saw you in heaven? _

_ I must be strong and carry on _

_ 'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven” _

Dean wasn’t the kid he used to be. He wasn’t even the same man. He’d been to Hell and back, and he’d lost pieces of himself he’d never get back.  But what hurt the most was losing the one thing he never thought he’d lose. 

His brother.

He’d sold his soul for Sam, he’d given up Heaven and the possibility of redemption. And in turn, Sam had wasted his sacrifice by twisting himself into something Dean could hardly recognize. 

_ "Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees _

_ Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please” _

Dean just wanted his little brother back. He wanted hope, and peace, and above all he wanted family. He’d held their family together since he was four years old, and the minute he’d needed help the most, the only one there for him had been a wayward angel.

When he’d looked into Sam’s eyes inside that Maryland convent, he’d seen a glimpse of the Sammy he once knew. But it wasn’t enough.  Certain death beckoned from the supernova in the middle of the room.

He’d grabbed his brothers shoulder, linking them together, prepared to go out together, the only way he could imagine it.

And Dean had been so relieved.

“ _ Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure _

_ And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven _ ”

And then they’d been on a plane. Somehow they’d been snatched from the edge once again. 

And Dean had never felt so disappointed.

 Now he had to live with the knowledge that his heart and soul, his reason for living, his own flesh and blood, had ended the world. 

He didn’t want to have to stop the apocalypse. He didn’t want the shame, guilt, anger, hurt, and terror that came with it. 

He just wanted to to rest. 

Despite everything, he couldn’t help but envision going to heaven.  If it was the real deal, Sammy should be able to find him there. Shouldn’t his sins be forgiven if this all went the way the angels wanted? Couldn’t they both be allowed a piece of paradise together?

There, maybe they could be brothers again. They could start over, meet each other again, grow back into their unshakable bond.

“ _ Would you know my name _

_ If I saw you in heaven? _

_ Would it be the same _

_ If I saw you in heaven? _

_ I must be strong and carry on _

_ 'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven _ ”

But it wasn’t that simple.  They both had to finish what they’d started.  Dean knew that heaven wasn’t his soul's final destination. 

It was his last job. 

Dean pulled over and parked his baby by an open field.  The sun was up now, so time was up.

He slowly reached and turned off the radio, glancing at the package in his periphery.  His amulet, his favorite gun, his lighter, all the material possessions Dean had left to show he’d truly existed, wrapped in his dad’s old leather jacket.

He wouldn’t need them now. He wouldn’t need anything. 

Just his own free will. And a choice that got stuck in his throat, making breathing difficult.

Dean Winchester looked up at the sky. 

“Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> May or may not continue, but Please Like, Comment, or Bookmark if you'd like to see more.
> 
> Thanks for reading <3


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